Has the Slap Down Replaced Reason? Are We Getting Meaner by the Day?

I spent my academic career teaching students how to effectively communicate, reason and persuade. Lately, I’ve wondered whether those skills are becoming extinct. Back in 2011, I developed a book proposal about an emerging mean streak in our culture. Recently, I connected with a then senior editor, now agent, who had wanted to publish that book. We agreed that it is even more relevant today.

Why? Because it’s now possible to knock reason and civility into oblivion with a single vicious slap down. Take what happened this week when a special counsel decided to claim that President Biden can’t even remember the year when his son Beau died. How low is low?

Are we handing our futures over to bullies, telling our children not to bother building arguments to support their positions? Just slam the other guy. Why bother with the hard work of reason and gathering evidence if a swift, mean blow can win the day?

Below is a blog I published at Huffpo in 2011 when I was observing the emergence of a mean streak in communication. Have things gotten worse? Is there a bottom to this slide into small-minded meanness? What are your thoughts?

ARE WE A CULTURE ON A MEAN STREAK?

“Shame is dead, officially dead in American public life,” Mark Shields has observed. He’s not alone in this view. Even Tom Hanks, ever optimistic, believes that while 80 percent of people are good — the rest are crooks and liars. 

How mean-spirited so many of us have become — how quickly and how frequently we demean others. Critical argument in the U.S. media is no longer about seeking truth to correct or sustain our formative values but rather it is about winning so that others might lose.

Maya Angelou believes we have reached a place where virtue is no longer valued: “The mention of virtue is ridiculed, and even the word itself has fallen out of favor.” Appreciation and respect for gentleness and civility have subsided. Because we have let the “positive particulars” in our lives atrophy, Angelou has noted, “they have been replaced by degeneracy.”

Of course, there are many wonderful people whose lives exemplify the best we can be. Occasionally, we celebrate them publicly, but we do so because they are the exceptions. They are the kind persons who haven’t abandoned their values for ephemeral triumphs over people with whom they disagree.

This is not to say we should abandon criticism, suppress our views and fall silent. As Winston Churchill noted, “Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function of pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.”

We could, though, take more care when considering the mistakes of others. Frauds, cads and crooks deserve more than disapproval. But treating anyone who has humiliated himself or let us down in some way as deserving of eternal and unrelenting disgrace accomplishes nothing but lowering all boats. When we fail to see someone’s current wrong in light of their prior accomplishments, or when “journalists” beat them to a pulp in the mass media in order to drive up their ratings or pump up their own egos, things are going too far. We risk people who are largely good being trapped in far too wide a net of self-serving media driven disdain.

You may think I’m just talking about people like Anthony Weiner, but I’m not — though the extent of coverage of his failings has been extraordinary. Our leaders should behave in ways that are exemplary and admirable or they should find another line of work, as he has apparently decided to do. But when errors by adolescent singers and actors are examined with excruciating detail in supposedly respectable media outlets — taken out of context and rehashed with delight — how does anyone truly benefit? When comedians like Letterman and Leno constantly belittle relatively defenseless people who have stumbled in their lives, just to get a cheap laugh, isn’t that a bad sign? 

Doesn’t mass exposure of non-felonious frailty, which sometimes involves mental illness, tell young persons that the world is full of people ready to disparage others at the drop of a hat while papering over their own faults? When there are only winners and losers, aren’t our choices too narrow and the options for resolution nearly nonexistent?

How do we find a way back? Certainly it must involve placing a greater value on effective, honest reasoning and expressions of sincere emotion. And we need to expect that much of ourselves if we want to do so of others. A furor has recently developed among respected philosophers over whether reason has become merely a way to win an argument rather than a path to insight. It’s not an entirely new perspective, but one worth revisiting.

If we bother to reason at all, far too many of us do so only to confirm our views. We react with vitriol to challenge, and in the winning damage our ability to change for the better. We need to learn and apply ways to respond to others that don’t dismiss their value as people. We should teach those ways to our children and demonstrate them to our peers — start more gatherings and even family discussions with a focus on a goal that is not the emergence of a single winner but a constructive way forward.

When sound reasoning no longer holds promise because the opposition will lie and cheat to get its way and be admired for doing so, we arrive indeed where Maya Angelou warned we were going. Before the seemingly endless election season resumes, before we abandon friends because they are not of our political persuasion, before we demean others because they fail to see the world as we do, we should stop and think. What does this tell our children? Does it help make them insular thinkers or, worse, not thinkers at all? What are we making of ourselves? And just when did we stop learning just to be sure we’re right?

P.S. I’ve been off doing a number of things, including work on health, so I hope those of you who have been visiting here are still out there. I’ll be publishing thoughts we might explore together more often than full-blown blogs. Good to be back.

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The Memo Every Woman Still Keeps in Her Desk

A few months ago, the Harvard Business Review informed me that one of my publications with them, “The Memo Every Woman Keeps in Her Desk,” had been selected to be among 30 for inclusion in their now published centennial book, HBR at 100.

This is HBR‘s description of the book:

“Now at its 100th anniversary, HBR at 100 brings together the most influential ideas since its inception, celebrating its past, present and future” featuring “business publishing’s most influential voices on the most critical ideas in management.”

The memo case describes a quandary faced by a young woman, Liz, whose company is stuck in the dark ages when it comes to the inclusion and advancement of women. She writes a memo addressed to her CEO describing why talented senior women leave the company and the daily challenges faced by junior women like herself. She then asks a trusted male colleague if she should send it. Experts were invited to weigh in on whether Liz should send the memo. Would her courage be worth the risk?

Originally published by HBR in 1993, the case remains relevant. Some of the challenges have changed, but whether it is safe for women to share with their managers or CEOs the existence of conditions creating a hostile workplace is still not easily answered. In 2018, I wrote about this in a forward to a reprint of the case in another HBR publication.

“In light of the #MeToo movement, a woman’s decision to speak up may seem less risky now, especially about issues relatively low on the spectrum of gender-based offenses. But is that the case? Or do we still have a long way to go before women can share their experiences with confidence that their observations and courage will not only be welcomed but lead to significant change?”

I’m delighted that “The Memo Every Woman Keeps in Her Desk” continues to bring about needed change and that HBR selected it for inclusion in HBR at 100.


Kathleen

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American Women Ambushed in the Dark by the Supreme Court

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

No matter your stance on abortion, Politico’s report of the Supreme Court’s intention to overturn Roe vs. Wade reveals power run amok. It conjures up mostly robed men entrusted with protecting the rights of all citizens skulking about behind closed doors doing just the opposite.

Yes, as Politico reports, “some court-watchers predicted that the conservative majority would slice away at abortion rights without flatly overturning a 49-year-old precedent.” That, however, is not what is about to happen. In one fell swoop, by rejecting the logic and legal protections of Roe, passed into law by a mostly Republican Supreme Court, women are consigned to ignorance and moral ineptitude unable to formulate the right choice on their own.

What next? Let’s extend this looming decision to include men. Now that’s novel. Let’s go to the root cause of Alito’s definition of an “unborn child” – sex. This or a future Supreme Court might let states ban what they see as irresponsible sex. Perhaps men about to have sex with women of childbearing age will be required to sign papers accepting their share of culpability should pregnancy result. Otherwise, are we not putting the burden on only one participant?

That may sound far-fetched. But it’s quite possible that ramifications beyond our imaginations will come from the decision to overturn Roe vs. Wade. In some states women might be arrested if they travel to another state for an abortion. Here again, would the man who was half the cause of consensual sex go free? We know the answer to that. 

But wait, perhaps men will wake up some morning to find themselves handcuffed for not stopping women from leaving their states for abortions. After all, supposedly pregnant women can’t be trusted to make the right decision. Not in America. Not according to the Supreme Court.

And what of Alito’s specious argument that most aborted fetuses are black so some people supporting abortion must be trying to suppress the size of the African American population? Has he been inside too long? Or does he simply think the rest of us are stupid?

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“According to One Source” is not Journalism

Unsplash – Camilo Jimenez

When my young children were listening to advertisements, my husband and I would occasionally say in passing, “That doesn’t sound right,” “It’s hard to believe that” or ask “Do you think that’s really true?” Yes, if overdone it’s annoying. But if never or hardly ever done, children become gullible consumers.

We may think as adults we’re safe from media deception. After all, we’re smart and sophisticated. We’re wary of our sources. Right? And we read and watch media outlets we trust. Yet, you have likely heard even your trusted sources say, “according to one source,” “some people think,” and other vague references to expertise.

A few times, I’ve written about this kind of media reporting. It’s worth repeating. Five minutes ago, I heard “according to one source” on televised “news.” I began writing this blog.

To avoid being duped, we must be conscientious consumers of information. When our favorite sources use nebulous references to expertise, it’s important to take note. If you’re in a writing mode, let them know you expect better.

When media drop the ball in the provision of quality evidence, that’s a problem. When we let it pass, that’s an even bigger one.

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A Lesson From The Academy Awards

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At the recent Academy Awards ceremony, what might have kept Will Smith from slapping Chris Rock? Perhaps you’ve wondered. I keep coming back to the importance of having a repertoire of comebacks. 

At Arianna Huffington’s online site Thrive Global, I published “Did You Really Say That?” The article focuses on what women might say in challenging situations. Male or female though, we all experience situations that leave us speechless. Rather than find yourself taking a verbal or physical swing at someone or realizing too late what you might have said, it’s useful to have responses at hand.

Among the ones in “Did Your Really Say That?” is the title itself. This simple phrase can give the offender a chance to reflect, rephrase and perhaps to apologize. Effective comebacks save face for the offended. They warn offenders that they’re walking a thin line. This sure beats skulking off feeling hurt, angry or embarrassed. As an extra bonus, relationships can be saved in the process.

So, take a few minutes to look over the list in “Did You Really Say That?” or others in my co-authored book Comebacks at Work. Develop your own repertoire. Consider events in your life when these comebacks would have come in handy. Next time you feel offended, you’ll be ready.

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Violence Against Women – The Murder of Ashling Murphy

The broad daylight murder of Ashling Murphy, 23-year-old beloved primary school teacher, jogging in her hometown of Tullamore, Co. Offaly sent shock waves through the entire country of Ireland and beyond. It was yet another wake-up call that violence against women is increasing – an awareness made visible in the vigils for Ashling held across Ireland.

I’ve written about abuse and violence against women in nonfiction and fiction, exploring the levels of both that women experience. Survivors often keep their experiences secret, indicative of how they believe the truth will be construed even by those they love. At the heart of such decisions is an awareness of what Taoiseach Micheál Martin described as existing beneath violence against women – “the whole culture of misogyny.”

By coming together at vigils or by placing candles in our windows, light will be focused on why this keeps happening. We know it is not just one thing but, as  journalist Dearbhail McDonald mentioned on Prime Time with Miriam O’Callaghan, a mix of culture, attitudes, and beliefs. And as Josepha Madigan, Minister for Special Education and Inclusion, explained, it’s important to look even at conversations with regard to women and how they connect to violence. We can’t leave any stones unturned if women are to be made safer. We must know what all and each of us can do to stem this tide of violence.

It is with immeasurable sadness that we mourn Ashling Murphy. What we take from this unfathomable loss and how long we keep it in the forefront of the minds of those who can make a difference will determine whether change occurs. Me Too attention on violence against women has waned. This gives perpetrators a window, a chance to harm or kill yet again. 

We’re all busy and attention necessarily shifts, but it is possible to assure that Ashling and the women whose lives were taken before her stay in our minds. The media, government, and each of us can help slam shut the window through which perpetrators of crime against women have all too often crawled. It is the least we can do.

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What Women Take from Peng Shuai’s Denial – We’re Damned If We Do and Damned If We Don’t

Tennis star Peng Shuai’s denial of having written a social media sexual assault accusation is a reminder to women – Chinese or not: When it comes to sexual assault, you’re damned if you do speak up and damned if you don’t.

Women already know this as they try to rise through often unwelcoming pipelines at work. Reporting sexual misconduct is fraught with risk. Even if you win, even if the perpetrator is punished, your climb up the corporate, nonprofit, or academic ladder may well be stalled. Why? Because your quietly competent, hard-won rise is suddenly under scrutiny.

The courageous women who step forward and honestly name the person who assaulted them, often do so in the harsh glare of a spotlight. Is it worth it? For many women it is. They can’t simply say nothing, risk that the person who assaulted them will assault someone else. They deserve a groundswell of support.

In China, Peng Shuai is not free to speak freely to the media. So, an analogy to sexual assault in democratic countries is imperfect. Her experience, however, does remind us of just how difficult it is to step forward.

I wrote Damned if She Does to convey in fiction what is so prevalent in reality. Fiction can be a useful vehicle for otherwise unpalatable truths. In this case, that even women who are likely to be believed often fall silent for years or a lifetime about sexual assault. Many keep their onerous secret from even those closest to them.

Does this mean women shouldn’t come forward? That the risks are too great? No. It means that we need to be there for those who make that tough choice for however long it takes.

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To Like or Not to, Like

Photo by Daniela Holzer on Unsplash

I read an article today from the Women’s Media Center entitled, “How Hating the Word ‘Like’ Hurts Young Women.” It’s an intelligently written article positing that frequent use of ‘like’ in speech, particularly by young women, should not be interpreted as a sign of air- headedness. To support her argument, Alexandra Grant-Hudd, a young female graduate student who likes the word like, points to research lending some support for her view.

When reading Grant-Hudd’s article, I was reminded of a 2009 Huffpo blog I wrote about the word ‘like’. Here is an excerpt:

The word “like” has become a substitute for such words as “said,” “thought,” “wished,” “considered,” and “wondered.” “Stuff” and “everything” cover just about everything. You don’t have to go far from your house to overhear: “He like says he doesn’t like me and everything. That’s cool and stuff, but I’m like, OK, whatever. Like I’m gonna like get all upset and stuff. I’m soooooo not. Forget it.”

From this, you might rightly deduce that I’m not a fan of the frequent usage of ‘like’ in conversation. My primary concern is that the word, when overused, can suggest indecisiveness or a lack of conviction. In this regard, it joins another type of speech potentially harmful to women’s advancement.

Disclaimers such as “I hope this doesn’t bother anyone” and “This could be wrong, but” are common in female speech. When young, such hedging may be construed as politeness or age-allowable uncertainty. In time, however, most women want to be seen at work as having leadership potential. Too much hedging, and that’s unlikely to occur.

Does this mean all ‘likes’ must be stricken from our speech? Likely not. As with other aspects of our social and professional selves, however, it’s always good to consider the context. Bathing suits are fine around a pool. They’re not for formal dining. Much of life is this way. Our choices are messages, whether we wish them to be or not. ‘Like’ has its place – like just about everything else.

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Not Knowing That It Can’t Be Done

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

During an online presentation this week, I was asked what it takes to move from writing nonfiction to writing fiction and from being a professor of social sciences to becoming an artist. In general, the question was about what encourages variety in our lifetimes. I found an answer came rather quickly.

As a rigorous eclectic, I try new things and the challenge intrigues me. Usually, these new things are linked somehow to areas of previous interest. That’s part of the encouragement. But there is something my husband has said to me, about me, over the years that turns out to be true. I really don’t seem to know what can’t be done. Often people say, for example, “I could never be and artist” or “I could never write a novel.” Really? Never?

Maybe it’s true that most of us can’t be the best at something without an extensive amount of work. Perhaps some of us are a little too senior to become Olympians. But being the best is rarely the goal. Becoming reasonably good at something may be all you need. It may be more than you realized you could accomplish. Perhaps having moments when what you’re trying makes you smile is sufficient gratification. If that happens enough, you just might put more time into developing your skill and discover that you’re quite talented.

I’ll just leave that idea to percolate. Next time you hear yourself saying, “I can’t do that,” consider asking “Why not?” Then give it a try. And a few tries after that. See where it takes you and get back to me.

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Haven’t Read ‘Shadow Campus’ Yet?

If not, here’s your chance. Amazon reduced it for now to $5.05! Still looking for a summer crime mystery read? How about one that Forbes described as a “masterful” and “fast-paced” debut?

A young professor on the eve of tenure is found hanging and nearly dead in her university office. Her brother and only living relative, a builder by trade, must leave his small New England town for Los Angeles to help a sister he has kept at a distance since a childhood event he can neither forgive nor forget.

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